Have you ever had to leave something behind and you knew it was for the best but you still struggled with it?  I have.  I grew up in a prominent evangelical denomination.  Most of my beliefs were handed to me in a nice, tidy package.  Now this package at first glance is very nice indeed.  Many of life’s more imposing questions can be answered by what is in this package- who God is, how he created the world, why Jesus came, where I can end up after this life is over, etc.  There were also answers to many other questions that may not be as imposing but worthy of thought nonetheless-  who should be baptized and how, how can I be disciplined with God, where should I give money, etc.  As I said before, at first glance, this package can be quite striking.  Isn’t it the dream to have all your questions answered?   Isn’t it desirable to know that those answers are unwavering?  Isn’t it relaxing and refreshing to know, that with all these answers in hand, nothing more is really required of us?  Perhaps…

In 1991, I went off to college with this package in hand.  Now, at first, I held unswervingly onto this package, claiming all the truths that had been wrapped up so neatly within it.  However, as I began to engage with people around me that I saw as earnest followers of Jesus, some of the truths began to morph into things that were not so tidy.  I had a dilemma as some of these things became less and less clear.  I could continue to hold onto this package and claim its “truths” or I could begin to let it loose and see how the package could hold up under the scrutiny of fellow believers and, more importantly, under the scrutiny of the very God that the package was centered around.  I decided that the subject of the package was more important than the package could ever be.  I began to let loose of it and let the scrutiny of God invade.

So here I am now.  I am still letting the scrutiny of God test what is in the package.  Has it been easy?  Not in the slightest.  Remember my questions above- the ones about having all your questions answered with unwavering answers?  I could have clutched onto the package with all my might, never letting go.  That would’ve been easy.  There would be something solid to stand on.  It would have been nice and clean.  But staying in this safe place, would I have encountered much of what God is and where He resides?   Would I truly have met God in a position for Him to deal with the most unsavory parts of my heart?   For Him to deal with my deepest, darkly held secrets?  My experience says no.  I am dirty from wrestling with my God on these matters, as well as many others.  But even as I wrestle with God, that package is still near.  Portions of me cling to it, enjoying the fleeting feelings of safeness.  But thankfully, my God is gracious enough to know that I am struggling to leave behind all that this package represents and chase after Him…